Weekly Wrap-up: Recovery Week…Raw Emotions

reading with Littlest

reading with Littlest

We eased back into school after my mother’s visit last week. The emotional impact of her visits are not quite as emotionally explosive as they used to be since the kids are getting older. Instead of acting out they are asking questions…sometimes I’d rather deal with toddler behavioral issues than insightful questions from my crew. Sparkles and my mother really butt heads on this visit and I am proud that my little girl stood her ground on her beliefs. Sparkles has always adored her grandmother and fought hard for attention from her…only receiving harsh words and judgment for all her adoration.  Sparkles didn’t take it this time and gave as good as she got! I am so tremendously proud of my little girl. I wish I had some of my daughter’s strength. In the moment that I see my mother I become in my soul the unwanted child I always felt to be growing up. I am a fourty-two year old woman but am instantly reduced to feelings of hopeless abandonment at the very thought of seeing her. The terrible dark feelings and knowledge of being unwanted that I keep deeply buried most of the time come to the surface. Bleeding, unhealed wounds that I cannot ignore but must endure until she leaves plague me. I hate her visits…I hate the weak child I become when she is near. I want to cry and scream at her…make her see the wounds her callousness burned in me.

I remain silent and broken…and I hate my brokenness…I hate the silence between us. I realize during this visit that I cannot ever really talk to her and my soul is enveloped by solitary sorrow…a ripped and defeated kind of sorrow that is tired of giving and forgiving. I prayed and begged my Father God to take my life before my children ever felt so much pain because of me. I don’t care what mistakes I make in life so long as my children know that I love them dearly and they know they are wanted and adored by their mother.

Sparkles

Sparkles

I am emotionally exhausted to the depths of my very soul…an exhaustion that I know only God can redeem and heal. I haven’t asked God to heal these wounds in such a long time…I just bury them and live with the feelings when I have to. I quit praying for healing a long time ago. I truly envy friends who love their extended families. I honestly cannot comprehend my own husband’s love for his mother. I do not understand his love for his siblings and I have accepted that I never will understand…I find that realization so comforting and I cannot honestly give you a reason why.

I’ve had a tough week. Most people I saw this week didn’t even notice…except my kids. Oldest noticed. He asked really hard questions this week. He was trying to understand me…his broken mother. He isn’t a hugger or a touchy-feeling person…but he was for me this week. He saw that I needed grace and understanding…and gave it unconditionally. God has given me such beautiful children and I am overwhelmed…I am unaccustomed to feeling loved by others. I expect indifference and am skilled at invisibility. Now that my children are getting older I am learning to accept…being loved. I guess I never expected to be loved by my kids. I know that sounds absurd to normal people…really I get it. Maybe, in my heart of hearts, I’ll always feel like an abused and unwanted child…helpless to rid myself of this black hole within my soul. And that’s okay…because my children will never feel that way. I’ve given them unconditional love since the moment I realized they existed…and now…they are starting to return my love…unconditionally. Thankfully, being loved unconditionally for them is normal…I’m learning to accept.

My mother left on Saturday…the kids did not cry this time when she left. Sparkles always cried before. Oldest didn’t even say goodbye to her. She favors him over the others and it makes him

Middle Boy and Oldest

Middle Boy and Oldest

uncomfortable. He was so upset that she spent more on gifts for him than the others. Oldest is passionate about fairness. He believes that everyone should be treated fairly. He was disgusted by my mother’s preference for him over his siblings. He is my firstborn son and in my mother’s eyes the firstborn son is the only child that matters. Oldest is uncomfortable with that distinguishment. He was so upset that Littlest received a gift from her of little monetary value that he insisted on using his own allowance to make up for the slight. So after she left Oldest and I popped onto Amazon and I let him order a gift for his littlest brother. I am so proud of his unselfishness.  Oldest didn’t have to do that…Littlest didn’t even notice the insult. But his oldest brother did…and filled the gap. My heart breaks…I am so proud and humbled.

I’ve been easy on the kids this week…maybe too easy. After five days with my mother they deserve an easy week. We didn’t take a break from school because we love time in the school room together. But I didn’t insist on good penmanship this week or perfect history narrations. We cried together over The Trail of Tears for the Cherokee and the betrayal of King Arthur. We said goodbye to friends moving to another state far away. I am angry because I know this lady would have been my best friend if she did not have to move away…

My flow is a tad bit depressing this week…I know. It is just where I am at the moment. Next week will be better…God’s grace and my husband’s love are always present to see me through.

Linking up with: Weird Unsocialized Homeschoolers

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20 thoughts on “Weekly Wrap-up: Recovery Week…Raw Emotions

    1. Oh don’t let me get you down or doubt yourself as a mother. What I wrote comes from childhood abuse. I enjoy your blog very much and your love for your crew is openly present. Be at peace!

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      1. Oh, it wasn’t that really. It was just a reminder of how important it is that I do let my children know how much they are loved, and I just felt so sad for you. At the same time, I’m proud of how you’ve built a much happier family for yourself.

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  1. I’m not sure how I missed this post, but I did. And I’m so sorry I did. You needed a cyber hug and I didn’t know. It’s a bit late but I’m sending you one right now. I will be praying for your situation with your mum. God can heal the most horrific pasts and create the most beautiful futures. Hang on in there. Keep God close (He will protect you) and don’t give up on your mum.
    I don’t think I’ve ever written about it on my blog, but God healed mine and Dad’s relationship to the point of the two of us loving each other deeply and talking to each other every day for the last couple of years of his life (I seriously could NEVER have fore seen that to be even a possibility).
    Could I email you my testimony?

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    1. I would be deeply honored with anything you chose to share with me. Thank you for the cyber hug! I am moved to tears that you found healing in your relationship with your Dad. I am over joyed for you. I will be at the monastery next month visiting my Sisters and I will light a candle in the chapel celebrating that reunion…because it is beautiful. I can’t imagine it for myself at the moment but I can sincerely rejoice for you

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  2. I hope one day when peace is at hand, you can sit down with this woman and express yourself. Containing these feelings and emotions can be very destructive. You deserve better for yourself. Wishing you a happier holiday weekend.

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    1. Thank you. I had a lovely weekend with my family! I do understand what you mean about how these feelings can be destructive and may be part of some of my health issues today. Writing is how I exorcise my daemon’s now…once I get the words out of my heard I am free of the weight of their meaning.

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  3. I won’t get into it on here, I will spare you, but suffice it to say you are not alone in this sort of estrangement and all the feelings you penned so candidly…..well, I could’ve written them myself. My heart breaks for you b/c I understand all too well and I also know how blessed our children will be into future generations b/c the cycle is being broken. Love ya lady!

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  4. I too can understand and relate all too well. My heart goes out to you and your children. I feel so blessed to have healthy, close relationships with each of my children, so unlike what I have with my mother. That’s what we need to focus on, our precious children. We are the mothers to them that we never had ourselves. Yes, we’ve been cheated out, but our children won’t be and that’s what matters. I’m proud of you. 🙂

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  5. Visiting from “Weekly Wrap-Up”… I wish that I couldn’t relate to your post, but I do. My relationship with my mother went sour about a year and a half ago when I finally put my foot down with her bad behavior and bad influence. She had already manipulated my daughter (4 at the time) the same way she manipulated me as a child. My parents are still married and my dad is my best friend so I still see my mother regularly, but at least now there are firm boundaries. Anyway, I didn’t mean to vent but your post tapped into my own raw emotions. I hope that you’re able to move on from this bad week and look forward to happier days.

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  6. I am so sorry you have those feelings. Rest assured knowing that you turned out just fine. One of the best neighbors I ever had the privilege of knowing. If you had not moved away, you might have been my best friend. Oh well, at least there is facebook. Hugs to all.

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  7. My heart breaks for you. I know what it is to have an especially difficult relationship with a parent. Take comfort in the fact that you are doing right by your kids and breaking the cycle. May next week be sunny and bright for you. 🙂

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