Re: Diagnostic

Hannah over at Praying With One Eye Open asked a question.

What do you need most? 

Have you asked yourself that lately?

Would your answer change if your spouse were the one asking?  A friend?  A travel agent?  Your mom?

It’s worth thinking (and maybe writing) about.

The answer might free you if you’re brave enough to tell the truth.

From the moment I sat to answer this question I’ve distracted myself with Periscope, texting my husband and completely changing my blog theme. That last one took a while ’cause I tried out a few themes. (Do you like this new theme?)

Naturally, my answer would be different based on who is doing the asking. Let’s start with an easy one. The travel agent. I just moved. Travel is the last activity I would choose to engage in at the moment. Packing a suitcase? Still haven’t finished unpacking and for that matter I haven’t the foggiest idea which box is hiding my traveling bag. If it’s even in a box. It may already be unpacked. In my mind’s eye I can see where it was kept in our former home. Everything is still like that for me. Whenever one of the kids or my husband asks for something I immediately remember the item’s location from before the move. My poor family, they get mostly blank stares from me these days when they need help finding an item. My brain is getting on in years so I have to think a moment. It is slow like a computer with too many tabs open. No travel agent for me. I’m still getting to know my home.

What do I need from a friend? That one is easy too. I’ll laugh when you laugh and cry when you cry. I’ll take you as you are and give you the freedom to grow and change. You’ll never have to hide your true face. Just do the same for me.

How about from my mother? That is a prickly one. We have a less than pleasant relationship. I try really hard to be patient and understanding but usually fail. I am uncomfortable around her. She did not protect me (or my brother) from harm. She let my father abuse me both physically and sexually. I was, at one time, sympathetic and forgiving toward her. Until I became a mother.

Once I bore my first child, I just could not comprehend her negligence. Every time I am around her the soul deep wounds just tear and bleed anew. What do I need from her? To stop! Quit telling me how to raise my kids! Quit telling me how to treat my husband because I am pretty sure he would divorce me if I took your advise! Quit putting all the blame on Dad. I was there too! And please quit putting mayonnaise on my sandwiches! I’ve never liked mayo on my sandwiches. Never, ever! Not when I was a kid and not now. The only reason I have the stuff in my refrigerator is for you. Because I know you like the stuff (yuck!) I wish you loved me enough to remember that I hate mayonnaise. I wish I hated you because then these painful emotions would just go away.

What do I need from my spouse? Nothing new. I need your arms, your warm embrace. I need to feel safe. I never felt safe or secure until you entered my life. Twenty nine years is a long time to be afraid and insecure. That is still more than half of my life dwelt in fear. Sometimes I slip back to that dark place. You always pull me back…to being loved and feeling needed. To me there is no one more beautiful or more fascinating than you. I adore you. I’m a better person and mother because of you.

So what do I need? Nothing really. I’m content with my life at the moment. I already have way more than I need.

I told my husband my writing topic tonight. His answer to the question is Oreos…no matter who is asking. Guess I better run to the store in the morning for him…I can totally provide Oreos!

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6 thoughts on “Re: Diagnostic

  1. I so get the part about when you had children your feelings towards your mum became more complicated. I felt exactly the same thing at the same time. I couldn’t understand how anyone could harm someone they claimed to love so much.
    Audria, I will keep praying because our God is a God of miracles and sometimes only a miracle will do ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know I’ve said this before, but I can so relate to your feelings about your mother. It’s nice that you think of her even when she doesn’t show you any consideration. Hugs! You’ve overcome so much. I admire your inner strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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