2016 Word

A new year full of promise, hope, new adventures, and dreams.

Not exactly…

Just more of the same-old, same-old.

I’m not one for keeping New Year’s resolutions. I’ll let the fitness hype go this year. But, now that we are getting settled in the new house I’ve returned to working out a bit. My youngest loves Wii dance games and I like to join him. I try not to think about how awkward my attempt at dancing (especially to some of the hip-hop songs) must appear. Sometimes I jump (not literally) on the treadmill and walk a bit. New songs on my iPod would be motivating…but every year it seems the learning curve for iTunes grows exponentially.

Progress in healthy eating of the slow and steady variety is coming along nicely too. Not out of desire for health though. Mostly to escape pain. So many foods (the stuff that actually tastes good!) aggravate my stomach or ignite my inflammation troubles. I quit trying during the move but time to get back to taking care of my health. The joints in my hands and wrist are so painful. I expected the pain but not the weakness or the crunchy gritting sound in my wrists. I’m back on my ginger now that all of the holiday travel is over so some of the discomfort is already starting to ease up a bit. Sadly, the strength doesn’t come back…I’ve learned that sad fact this year.

I wanted to choose a word this year. A point of focus. Originally, I had clarity or perceive in mind. But as I spent time meditating, praying, reflecting and remembering my reaction to this year’s trials…well, those chosen words were without meaning.

my childhood in a picture

my childhood in a picture

Fear beat me down this year. Fear brought on by rejection. My wee little black hole, you know, the one in my soul? The core center of my very self. (Please see my series on Made To Crave if you are interested). As this year’s events unfolded my black hole began to grow in strength. My deep sense of unworthiness threatened to overwhelm me as I felt discarded…again. I’ve broken down and cried many, many times since July. All of the fear from my abusive childhood returned. I felt like an unwanted little child all over again. Unloved and not even worthy of being loved.

I’m wise enough to know that I’ll never be rid of those feelings…not entirely. I’m blessed to be loved by an ever patient man. My husband is the warmth that keeps those old demons away. I should have been a pillar for him this year but he supported me instead. Only out of love for my husband did I not torch and burn a few bridges to lifeless ash. I am consumed with fear.

I do not want to be ruled by fear. I do not want to be that nearly lifeless child pleading to be loved.

My word is brave. My word terrifies me.

Let me be brave…

 

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26 thoughts on “2016 Word

  1. Growing up in abuse leaves us with so many insecurities and, yes, fear. I know how it often rears its ugly head. Through your writing you are showing just how brave you truly are. I’m praying you continue to feel brave and have a blessed year! Thanks for linking up at Pea of Sweetness!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The raw emotion is touching and shows that you are brave. I hope that you begin to feel that same “brave” that your writing shows and that, as your bravery grows, your confidence will, too. May you be blessed as you strive to be brave in 2016.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are indeed brave in your post, and probably have no idea how much you are helping others through their own trials. I agree with Claire that it will be your hurts that will give you an incredibly powerful testimony. And it will make you that much more sensitive to the hurts of others, with a better ability to offer them grace and kindness and hope, and just be there for them, better than many others who haven’t lived through painful times. Praying for your 2016 of bravery. And grateful, grateful to hear what a wonderful hubby you have!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Fabulous word. I am writing today (if I have the courage to post) about food and my childhood. I love the quote and picture you have shared and I really understand that feeling. You are God’s girl. Don’t ever forget that. You are fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose. It will be your hurts which will give you an incredibly powerful testimony. God can and does and will heal, it’s just not always in our timing. Sending huge hugs from the UK.

    Liked by 1 person

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