I chose the name At the Well because I identified with the woman at the well. She was an outcast in her society and faith community. She bore her sins publically, fetching her water during the heat of the day avoiding polite society. Still, Jesus spoke to her. He shared powerful words with her. I wonder just how much she understood him. I’m not sure that I understand…not in depth anyway.
I love well shared words. The words of Jesus were beautiful enough to send me to a monastery centuries after he walked among us mere mortals. To this day my favorite words are those that belong to Jesus. I love poets because they share living vibrant words. My mind constantly swims with words. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I drown in words. I have to write the words in my head or I go a bit mad. I need to write as much as I need to breathe.
My first writings on this blog were violent. I needed a place to speak my thoughts and feelings about being raped by my father. I bottled the rage, shame and fear all my life. I could not talk to anyone and I’ll never be able to speak to a therapist so don’t bother mentioning. If I could actually speak to anyone about the violation it would be to my husband. But how could I possibly talk to him if my words were too painful to share vocally. How do I tell him that sometimes my mind goes to dark places when we are together…a darkness that is not his responsibility to bare.
So, one night I let the rage loose, released the shame and exposed my fear in writing. I poured my soul onto a blog post and felt release. I put in painfully descriptive writing what my father had done to me and my emotional pain. Once the words that burned me were put down I felt lighter…free. I didn’t feel so lost and my days got better. The relationship with my husband improved. I healed.
Later, when we decided to homeschool I started blogging about the experience. When I joined a curriculum review team they asked me to take my personal posts down. I should have told them to take their judgmental selves elsewhere. But I did not. I caved because I wanted to be accepted. And only whole healthy people are accepted in certain circles. So I picked my shame back up and deleted my posts. I engaged in other forms of social media as required by the team. Later, I joined another review team and was told how and what was permissible to write. For these teams I had to build a persona that fit their mold.
So, At the Well is no longer my primary writing space. I’ve thought about this for nearly a year or so now. I no longer identify with The Woman at the Well and this space has come to symbolize a painful chapter I am ready to close in my life. I will continue to maintain this blog (especially for my professional contacts) and post occasionally (for my husband to share on his social media). But my personal writing, poetry and art will not be here.
If you want to tag along pop me a note and I’ll send you a link to my new home. Otherwise, goodbye and I give you all my love. Thanks for reading and sharing.
I’ve left the well in pursuit of…